Dinner with a Side of Delusion
When the Charismatic Asshole Makes You Think You're Special (You're Not).
I'm not a fan of Bill Maher. To be precise, there isn't a single thing I like about him. Among the many reasons for this dislike, the fact that he always comes across as condescending and seems to enjoy unnecessarily hurting or belittling others stands out. I used to hate-watch his monologues occasionally, but eventually, I decided he wasn't even worth that.
When I heard about the whole ordeal of him having dinner with Trump and then trying to spin it as something casual, even saying, "Oh, he's not that bad," I was infuriated, but not surprised. Maher actually used the words "gracious and measured" to describe him. And his reasoning? Oh, he got to see a side of Trump that others haven't. Well, you are a middle-aged white heterosexual American man, Mr. Maher. Of course, he might treat you nicely; you are part of his “tribe.”
On April 21, The New York Times published a guest essay by Larry David. In case you don't know him (and you should), he's the comedian and creator of "Curb Your Enthusiasm," and co-creator of "Seinfeld." The essay starts like this: "Imagine my surprise when in the spring of 1939, a letter arrived at my house inviting me to dinner at the Old Chancellery with the world's most reviled man, Adolf Hitler."
It's one of the most effortlessly funny and on-point criticisms I've ever read. Essentially, David asks, who cares if a horrible person manages to be civil to you during dinner? Does that justify all the horrible things they've said and done? Who made you the center of the universe?
Now, this isn't about politics. I don't want to talk about Trump; once I start, I might not be able to stop. But I want to use this example to highlight a common mistake we all make throughout our lives: falling for the charm of an asshole.
Assholes are often charming and charismatic; that's a universal rule about them. It stems from their manipulative powers, which manifest in various ways. Their mood swings are as unpredictable as spring weather, and if you've ever found yourself caught in the middle of one, it's a painfully lonely place. From my own experience and what I've witnessed in others, there's one deadly mistake we all make: believing they'll treat us differently because they're good to us.
This is where the heartache begins, as they almost certainly end up treating us just as badly as they've treated others, if not worse.
There's no gaining an asshole's trust or becoming part of their inner circle; there is no circle. It's a one-way street that ends with them. That feeling of 'safety' you think you have with them? It's fear. You know you're not safe, but you delude yourself into thinking you're indispensable to them. Let me assure you, you're not crazy. You haven't imagined this; they might even have told you how 'special' you are and how much you mean to them. But the truth is, they don't mean what they say to others, except when they're putting them down. That's their favourite pastime.
When you examine it closely, it's about human integrity and decency. People either have it or they don't. It's not something you can half-ass and get by.
I'm not in a position to lecture you on what to do or how to live your life; I've been trapped in this cycle more times than I care to admit. But one mistake I made every single time was thinking that just because I hadn't experienced what others claimed to have with this person, I never would. "I" being the operative word here. Being around an asshole gives you a false sense of grandeur that eventually becomes your downfall.
So, the next time an asshole invites you to dinner, hold onto your integrity and tell them they can shove that dinner where the sun doesn't shine.